As a child I had many fears.When I closed my eyes at night was one.I told my mother that was when "they make you go". At the age of 5,parents right this off as being a child.Saying things children say.I also told stories of"When I was big I....And then one day.....". I was told by my father "You have to stop this,people will think you crazy !!" I was 5. My father worked as a VIP for his comp.Not bad for a man that didnt graduate H.S. Some how he was made the head of out of country blueprint constuction. He was gone for the most of the years. He would be home 2 days a week or so and then back on a plain. First class. Most 10nth grade drop outs never get this type of att. My mother was loving. She made everything magic.The night still had a smell to it. I could smell the dark.I still dont get this myself.Things seemed to be fine for a few years. Till the age of about 9 or 10yrs old. My father came home and things changed.Not just that he was around more,the feel of the house changed. We moved to a farm town.My father was angry most of the time.He was harsh and cold. Not like the man that used to come home.I felt less and less.Right to the point I felt nothing.In school,my grades became F's.I cut school to stay home. What they couldent get,and I couldnt figure out was,I couldnt go.For some reason, I thought I would die if I left. Now the kids that lived next to us were of the same family.There was two houses.Both were family.We were intrested in the new computers for the home user.Vic 20's and comadore 64's. We got good a hacking into some things. It was easy then.But we never got into big stuff. I wasnt impressed, but it was something to do.As things progressed,one of the friends put a sticker on there keypad.It was put together with individual letters from some sticker book. It spelled... "Monarch" WE were ten at the time. Whats that mean ? I wasnt ever given an answer. Infact my friend became mad when asked.Later the same person would try to kill himself also. Now I had at this point in my life been heavily drawn to adult porn.This started simply. I was 5 yrs old, and found a book at my house. I didnt understand, But I had to look on,and for more.I could always find what I wanted.It was made easy for me. I latter learned that this is one of the ways it begain.My mother also became less of a free spirit. She no longer had the right of her own thought.In the past, I had family that was part of shock treatments issued by my grandfather.He was a member of a group that is well known. I will not say that the conection between this is confermed. I am not into making things any worse.This is what I believe to be an on going program, cont.from gen too gen.I begain to have OBE's at the age of 13. I didnt know what this was, but it was the most fear I have ever felt in my life to this point.I was awaken one night by the sounds of choppers. I was ony 10 or 11 at the time. I went to the living room. There stood my parents,they were looking out into the back field. There were twin blade choppers in the back field. About 100yrds from the house. What are they doing I asked.I dont know said my father.We stood there for about 10 min.Then out of nowere my father says...Well....I'm tierd, I got to get up in the morning.My mother says,YA...me too...GOOD NIGHT. They turn and go to the bedroom.I am left standing there.I am seeing lights and the sound feels as though its all around me.What happend next I still dont get. I ran for the door,out the back,down the steps,and headed for the woods. There I ran behind the trash pile we had,I fell there. I stayed , as though I was hid.Then over the trees came a chopper,also,what I thought was a spot light.Until the light came closer and closer. It was coming through the trees.It was coming at me !! I think I passed out. I dont remember much there after. Even as a child, I dont ever,not remember how to say things to get people's mind set for an X factor. Still to this very day, When I am to do something, I hear ringing in one ear that changes tone and moves through to my inner head.Another thing Ive yet to figure out is at times I see a circle with moving edges on it that gets bigger and gigger till it passes around the entire eye.As this is happening, I feel like I am not here or there. Somewere in between.It's a nightmare.I am working on getting these things put right. There is allot more than what I have said. I just cant begain to cover it all in one sitting. All my life I never thought to questine anything about my life.I may talk later on the program that I was a part of. I feel the tampering of two other friends of mine,who were involved,both died from self inflicted gun shot wounds.The three of us were the top performers.I dont know how I made it this far. I will be going public with my story soon.I dont want people to get the impression that there is one thing that is cool or neat about any of this. I have only been able to talk about these things in the last year.I have spent the most of my life trying not to kill myself or any other. I can say at this point That would be the farthest thing from my mind. I have a love for life and a disire to live it with love.I must undo this nightmare. I feel better just in doing this. Thank you for the op. Kurt ShepardReceived 11-27-2003